I’m not writing.
Writing that sentence makes me feel a whole lot better. I’m a writer who’s not writing. I know it happens to us all so I’m trying to be gentle with myself. It’s the summer holidays and my routine has gone to pop and I’m okay with that, I think. But there’s still a part of me who’s thinking I’m a fraud because I’m not writing. I’m even finding it hard to fill a page while doing my morning pages. I blame routine but I know it’s because I’m tired and I’m not allowing myself that much needed rest because I think I should be writing and doing( project related stuff).
Read the rest of the essay over on my Patreon Page.
You didn’t come into this world; you came out of it, like a wave from the ocean. – Alan Watt
After Toni Morrison’s, The Bluest Eye
the first literature text in which I found myself reflected
i tell you this — they gave me milk,
in the heat it clings to the tongue —
a stale blossoming
outside the mug — shirley temple.
56 curls, blond curls, white dimpled cheeks — the bluest eyes
Beauty — for the taking,
to touch, to taste, to tend
a fire blisters my heart muscles
no amount of snow drinking could cool
ugliness oozes out of my dull night skin
as they dump their waste on me
a violence – with no idea of its depth –
hitches a ride on my hunched back
I show you this —a piece of mirror
pierces my hand, drawing blood —
the pain is absorbed
Just I don’t know why you have to look every minute. They aren’t going anywhere.
a pair of new blue eyes — i’ve got
a new gaze — a new presence
they can’t even look at me
my eyes are bluer than theirs — see
it won’t be long now until sweet love
pours over everyone like little pieces of sun
I’m a firm believer of taking the time out of a busy schedule and running around like a chicken with no head to count my blessing. Expressing gratitude for the life I have created is a practice that keeps me grounded.
This week I am grateful for: –
My beautiful daughter and her hearty belly laugh which she entered this world with and continues to share.
The home we have created. This isn’t just the roof above our heads and the funds to pay the rent but also the experiences and moments we share within its walls.
My husband who may be suffering himself through mental illness but shows up for me when needed and asked.
Our creative project that will share my love of the natural world with others. This has been over 6 years in the making and it is only now that I’m appreciating that it is happening.
My friends who have stood by my through the good times but more importantly through the bad.
I have been blessed. Someone out there is watching me and liking what I’m doing as I share my journey with creativity and encourage more women to listen to their creative needs and wants and just do it.
I have been gifted a place on Connie Solera’s last session of Painting the Feminine; a painting ecourse where we take the time and space to explore feminine energy and wisdom.
I have completed this course twice before and was fixing to enrol on this final run but finances were just not on my side. But I sent my desires out into the Universe and they were answered with this gift.
I’m truly grateful for this opportunity to dive deeper, listening to my intuition and inner wisdom to paint from my soul and heart. I’m having such a sacred time, as painting becomes a daily practice as well as a special ritual of savouring each moment.
This piece is called: Trust. I think it’s all in their facial expressions. They are so in the know. I love them. I think I’ve found my tribe and they were inside me all along. I love that.
A couple of evenings ago now, I attended a life drawing class locally. This was the first time I’d attempted something like this. But in all honesty, I wasn’t worried about going along. And once I got there, I totally enjoyed it.
It was weird at first though as when I got there, I recognised one of the women standing up taking. I thought to myself, I didn’t know such and such as an artist. It was only when the introductions were made did I realise she wasn’t an artist but the life model.
It could have been an embarrassing night after that but it turned out to be very liberating and interesting. Within that setting, the human body naked became nothing to be embarrassed about but became something else. Something, an object for want of a better word, that I was attempting to capture a likeness of on paper. It wasn’t flesh but more so angles and curves, light and shade.
It was good practice for getting lost in the flow of creativity. To feel the texture of the paper, hear the scratch of pencil as well the rubbing of charcoal and stains appearing everywhere. My senses became heightened and I was present in the moment. It was awesome.
Would I return? Yes I would but I would probably go along to an open session rather than a tutored session. As I didn’t go along so much as to learn about drawing the human form ‘properly’ with the right proportions. I went along to play and just let loose. A chance to try something new and free up my creativity. I’m not practicing this to get anything right. I’m doing this just to express what I feel or see or think. That is always right to me. For me.