worldbuilding

i ain’t smiling

| Sheree
i ain’t smiling

People have said to me before – you have a beautiful smile.

Or – you’re beautiful when you smile.

Or – your smile is contagious. I see you smile and I just smile backatya.

Bullshit.

Where I live, black faces are few and far between. But I’ve lived here close to 16 years. It’s my home now. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else because I’m close to the sea.

But still when I’m walking the streets. My streets. I’m still looked upon as a stranger. That is when they see me.

Because I’m a joyful person, I smile. I smile a lot. Especially after a dip in the sea. Then I can take on the world. I can face the world with a smile.

I have lost count of the number of times I’m walking out, look up to make eye contact with someone walking towards me. Even give a smile or a nod of recognition, a greeting. And there’s been nothing in return. No eye contact. No smile. No recognition of a fellow human being. No connection. Nothing.

And if there has been a gaze at me, it’s not welcoming or positive. It’s been hostile, or questioning or vacant.

Don’t gaslight me into thinking this isn’t the case. This is my experience. You weren’t there. And I’m sick and tired of giving the others the benefit of the doubt.

I’ve never been given the benefit of the doubt. That is never bestowed on me. I’ve accepted it. Allowed it. Made excuses and explanations for it. But no more.

i ain’t smiling.

I ain’t making eye contact. I’m not stepping off the pavement to make room for others. I’m taking up space. My space. Nobody else’s. Mine.

liberation already exists

| Sheree
i ain’t smiling

“The stories begin from the premise that liberation is an already existing and unfinished and unmet possibility, laced with creative labor, that emerges from the ongoing collaborative expression of black humanity and black livingness.”

Excerpt From
Dear Science and Other Stories
Katherine McKittrick

I’m not smiling. I’m not making eye contact. I’m going about my business.

I’m taking up space. My space. Nobody else’s. Mine.

There’s something that’s been happening. I’ve been noticing a shift in the way I’ve been operating.

I’d say it’s since I went on the Black Women’s Creative Retreat at the end of August. probably it’s been rumbling in the background. But this experience crystallised it for me.

It was me with 3 other black women camping in a field in Hamsterley Forest. I need to write further about this experience. But for now, I’d say that for a short time we existed in our own timespace. For a short time, we built our own world. A world in which we were centred and celebrated. Seen and heard. And loved unconditionally.

And then we had to return to ‘civilisation’. What a shock to the system! People are rude. Period.

And I’m no longer giving them the time. My time. My attention. Because they do not see me. They look right through me or they be ignorant towards me.

The image above is part of a new series I’m playing with.

i ain’t smiling.

More to follow.