I’ve been forgetting. Or I’ve been avoiding. I need to remember.
This is the life I’ve yearned for. This is the life I’ve worked for. This is the life I’ve sacrificed for.
Standing this close in the mix and mess of things, I forget. When I’m juggling projects and deadlines and the multiple personalities of others. I forget, this is what I’ve been dreaming about for years.
Freedom to be and do what I want. To follow my desires and needs and wants and still be able to provide for my family.
The freedom to rest and play when I choose and not at the whim of anyone else.
Remember. “You’re walking in the hope of your yesterday”. Thank you Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui for this reminder.
I remember and give thanks for this life I have chosen to lead and which I sometimes takes for granted and complain about or even get down about.
I remember what I have forgotten and give thanks for it all.
How do you know when it’s time to unplug? What do you do to make it happen?
When I start avoiding people. Start avoiding those conversations, connections with other people. Not being able to muster the energy to just look someone in the eye, I know it is time to unplug, unwind and retreat.
When my mind becomes a jumbled mess of to-dos, guilt-tripping myself galore with feelings of not being good enough. Then I know it is time to unplug, unwind and retreat.
When I no longer receive pleasure from the things I love to do, like writing, creating, eating. {BEING}. I know then, time to step away from the tasks, the commitments, the noise, the violence and the ruin and hide.
Stop. Breathe. Lick wounds. Apply water inside and out. And come back to centre. My centre. Me, being just me.
No actions or words in attempt to prove myself. No singing and dancing routine to grab your attention. Nothing wise or in service here.
Just someone unplugging from the system unsure whether or not she wants to plug back in on someone else’s terms.
Happy New Year! Yes I know January 1st 2024 has come and gone. And yes I know it’s probably well past the time period to be wishing anyone, anywhere a happy new year. But I don’t care. This is when I’m coming back to the website, the blog, the public domain. March 2024.
I didn’t plan it as I didn’t think it would be possible this year what with my commitments all over the place but it does feel like that I’ve been on retreat for the last 3 months; the first 3 months of 2024. What with one thing or another; illness, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of motivation, I’ve had to just ease myself into this year. And I still don’t feel that I’m fully present to this time period yet, but I’m getting there.
I had to intentionally put this into my to -do list today; to turn up here and write something. There’s been the lack of motivation and energy thing but there’s also been a block, or limitations I’ve been putting on myself in term of creating here or anywhere. I’ve been caught in a loop of asking myself, what have I got to say? What can I say as the world is falling apart? Nothing seemed/seems enough. I wasn’t good enough. So let’s stay hidden and quiet and safe, I convinced myself.
But there is only so long that I can live with myself doing/ being this/that. I was getting comfortable being uncomfortable or getting comfortable in numbing myself to the uncomfortable feelings as a means of getting by and through and over and under. To just breathe.
I return today simply to cross something off my to-do list. But in many ways it is so much more than just that. I’m back, I’m ascending out of the ashes into some kind of flame. Or at least the pilot light is back on in terms of writing/ being here/ turning up.
One thing that has been on a constant burn, a low humming of heat over these last 4 or 5 months has been my visual journaling practice. The image above was created today at my table in the corner of my bedroom where I’ve gotten into the habit of turning up daily just to see what wants to appear. I’ve been listening to the ancestors, the guides who want to speak. I’ve been enjoying the process.
I’ll be sharing some more visual journal spreads in the coming days as well as curating a new portfolio to archive them all in one place as if I don’t archive my creative practice, who else will?
The aim this month was to turn up here everyday and post something; words, images. Anything. Anything that would be used as evidence of my presence. Of my joy and my gratitude.
And now I look and see I’ve missed the last 7 days. And for now I don’t have the energy to go back over this week and pull out the good parts. Or maybe even the bad.
I just know that time is fleeting and speeding. Before we know it, we’ll be in 2024. And I’m not sure I want to waste any more time living in the past.
I’m wanting more and more to live in the present. This is what I’m grateful for; the time and means and ability to live in the present. Live/ love with each day as it comes.
I’ve been receiving emails from newsletters that I subscribe to detailing end of year round ups and reflections. And I’m not sure I’m ready yet to step into that energy. I’m still living the year in front of me now – day by day. To let me just linger in the moments. Linger in the awareness of time passing. Winter’s here and the geese are getting fat an all that. But even in these times of worry, brutality and violence, let us to a moment to breathe and give thanks.
No school, even though I loved school. I had the whole weekend ahead of me with all that time to create.
It started off well, as dad would bring us breakfast in bed. It would be crackers and jam. I’ve written before about this special ritual and how I took it as a sign of love from my dad; him the strict Trinidadian who showed his roar more times that his smile.
After breakfast, we could get up and play in our bedroom, keeping the noise down as mum and dad had a lie in. I would create the magic wishing chair from Enid Blyton’s books. I would fly away to all these magical lands, where I’d meet welcoming characters and interesting animals who couldn’t wait to get to know me. With them I was the main attraction. They listened to my stories and cheered me on as I went on adventures into the forest or up a mountain. There was no place my imagination couldn’t take me.
And then I grew up. Dad died, my whole life changed and I put away my dolls and adventures as I attempted to traverse the rough terrain of middle school as the only black girl there. Only black, and fat girl there who had her period and was seen as an oddity at best!
More stories there to tell. But this morning, this Saturday morning, I wake with this same sense of expansive time ahead of me to create. To crave out my own adventures on my own terms. And this feeling brings me a whole heap of joy and excitement. As I can’t go wrong if I’m feeding my creativity; turning up to the page open.
I haven’t had crackers and jam this morning but the thought of it is making my mouth water. I’ve got the ingredients in ( cream crackers and cherry jam). I’d have to make them myself as I’ve got no one to make them for me to serve me in bed. But even that thought doesn’t dampen my spirits because I have the time and space to choose. I have the privilege and luxury to stretch out the decision around what I do or be next.
I’m obsessed with how creativity works. I’m obsessed with how my creativity works. This is what I wrote in my visual journal this morning. And it landed in my core. In my core centre. This is honesty. This makes me smile. This what I will continue to explore, for a lifetime.
Hello hello. how goes it with you? Call it the teacher still in me after all theses years, but I just love to have the six weeks summer holidays off the clock. In the past, it was easier to make it so what with having the kids off school and everything. And now, well I just love the feeling of freedom the summer holidays give me.
I let go of trying to do everything for everyone and I allow myself the time and space to fill my creative pot. Things slow down, I rest a lot and eat and drink a lot. And just {BE}.
I’m truly grateful that I’m able to take this extended break and not worry too much about the bank balance. That doesn’t mean I’m rolling in it, but it does mean that I’ve made allowances for this break through my actions and behaviours throughout the year. And we just make do also. Nothing extravagant happens over the summer. We usually stay close to home but we focus on downtime, and free or low spend activities. It’s about being together that’s the important bit.
So as the summer holidays come to at end nearly, we’ve got a bit of time left to go visit family, get into some kind of water source, sea or pool, and fill our creative pots with a gallery or museum visit or two. Simple living which fills me with joy because I’m not trying to live up to some kind of ideal or perfection or keep the one kid left at home run ragged or totally occupied all of the time. I believe in allowing kids getting bored as that’s when the imagination kicks in. Hence my love of rest, downtime, and doing nothing. As in the scheme of things, on the outside it might look like ‘doing’ nothing, but inside sparks are sparking and foundations are being laid for the new season on the horizon.
Autumn, my favourite season is just around the corner. And I can feel the excitement rising already. You like my plush pumpkins in the image above? Autumn plans are afoot.
Living Wild Studios 