self-worth

Mapping Black Madonna – The Pivot

| Sheree
Our Lady of Montserrat La Moreneta (Catalan: the Dear Dark One)

I remember a time, after I’d said I was leaving, I’d taken my daughter on a break. We hired a campervan and travelled around the north -east coast. Still covid, still a pandemic. Summer relaxing of restrictions. Eat Out For Summer, something like that. The van kept breaking down for one reason or another.

We booked into a hotel for one night, and I got a phone call from a potential funder. Offering support to apply for emergency funding to help the organisation I was working for as project coordinator to be able to pivot. Still over the nature connection we’d been offering but through nature immersion online.

This person, who called out of the blue, helped me secure the bag. Helped me secure the funding, so I could continue to run nature connection events for others, during these difficult times, but also continue to be paid.

One of the reasons I thought I couldn’t leave my marriage before was because of finances. We lived pay cheque to pay cheque. I didn’t have the resources to move out and find a place of my own.

To me this was a miracle. This was a lifeline. This made this dream of leaving come through.

Mapping Black Madonna – The Big One

| Sheree
Notre-Dame-de-la-Roche (Our Lady of the Rock), Our Lady of the Side-Eye, Black Madonna of Mayres

I think the big one here is Black Madonna showing me it was time to leave my marriage of over 20 years.

This is wisdom and insight .

I turned to my ex-husband and asked him for help. It was during the pandemic. I was struggling with how our world had been turned upside down with Covid, home schooling, pivoting with work and the brutal murder of George Floyd. I was struggling and was vulnerable and scared and in need of support.

I laid it all on the line. I was going down and needed a life-raft. My pleas fell on deaf ears. He could not help me.

So I called upon my own strength. I took the sacred act of saving myself and started to make the plans to leave. Black Madonna showed me the way, by showing me that I had to love myself. Love myself enough to save myself.

I ask the question, how do I know that this was the presence of Black Madonna in my life, showing me the way? Faith and trust. I trusted in myself enough to take the leap. I had my fears but I jumped anyway, I trusted in myself to find a way. I trusted in the universe or my ancestors or someone or something having my back.

I’m choosing to feel that this is Black Madonna. I know it’s me, I made the decision and acted upon it. but I’m not taking all the credit. There is someone or something out there who has my back.

What is spirituality if not believing in the divine, in our spirits and souls. I’m choosing to believe that God is a Black Woman. Because when God is a Black Woman, there is no conditional love. It is unconditional and unlimited. Black Madonna loves me in all my fucked up glory.

My Happy Place(s)

| Sheree

Today has been all about being in my happy place(s).

You’ve guessed it. My happy place(s) is by the sea. Within the sea. Close to the sea. Close enough so she can hold me, when I need that non-judgmental, nourishing embrace.

My happy place(s) also involves being in Kiwi, my campervan, by the sea.

To be able to stretch out on the bed, with first morning coffee, visual journal and this view, I’m happy.

Yes I’m in Kiwi again, close to the sea, looking at the evening sun on the sand dunes, above the sea. And I’ve just sitting here watching the breeze caress the grass, parked up in my happy place(s) up the coast in Northumberland.

The Design of a Summer Field Guide

| Sheree

The aim is to create a field guide for summer which prioritises play, curiosity and wonder. Dreaming and imagination.

I want to be intentional around who I want to {BE}/ want to do over the next few summery months.

Become consistent in relation to turning up for myself in play and wonder.

Now is the time to prioritise my joy. No responsibilities but feed my inner child.

Traditionally, a field guide is something created to provide information for a reader to identify birds, flowers or trees. Or other aspects of the natural environment.

With this energy in mind, I want to create a summer field guide that identifies areas of play and curiosity that I can explore.

This field guide is an invitation to lean into what lights me up, steeping myself in the mystery and magic of it all.

Summer Field Guide

| Sheree

I want to be in a summery frame of mind.

No worries.

No stress.

No demands.

Just ease.

Remembering the summer holidays from school as a child – endless and carefree.

I’ve started with colouring in.

As a child I’d create my own shapes and pieces to colour in just for the fun of it.

I love me some colour.

Going back to old skool

| Sheree

Sometimes when I get a download, I just have to grab the first bit of paper and pen I can see and write.

It feels as if I haven’t got the time and patience for my visual journaling practice and I’ve just got to get the words on the page.

Like short, sharp, frenzied sex after a drought, a stream of consciousness shit comes rolling out of me. From my body. Onto the page. Words here. Paint there.

And within this pile of words/ marks are glimmers, signs, clues for next steps, moves forward. Invitations.

I’m been resting, after a full on time of exams and work and in that resting time, I did nothing creative except breathe. Breathe a little deeper and longer. Fuller.

There are still times when I have that moment of dread, that I’ve forgotten something. That I should be doing something else instead of doing nothing.

I know time will heal the wound. Time will suture the skin over the rupture and this period will become a memory. A trace left in an ache running down my neck and shoulder. A dull tugging at my soul.

Anyway, I’m back here. And I’m not going to try and fill in the gaps. The gaps are important, these liminal spaces where possibility and potential are ripe.

I come back with plans to share a new series of posts which I’m loosely calling my ‘Summer Field Guide’. My plan to get intentional about the summer ahead ( or here already!) and offer myself space to play, get curious, dream and imagine. No pressure just {BEING} my inner child out loud.

I’m excited.

Blig Blousey Peonies

| Sheree

This is not a zoomed in image. These flowers have not been magnified. Enlarged through the lens.

I could not believe the size of these peonies’ heads. And not a one off. Multiple big, bouncy peonies alll in a row.

White, cream, blush, pink. A feast for my eyes and nose. Getting in my steps for the day, my senses have been heightened. I’m becoming aware of summer really coming into her own.

Big bursting peonies blooms.

Are these a special variety of the flower or have they been artificially altered? Bigger, more, massive.

I’m gonna take my lead from these peonies and not dim my big bold, blousey attitude and {being} out of fear of being seen as too much. Too blod. Too in your face.

These peonies can pull it off, so why not me too, as we are kin.