self-care

mood : wide arse smiling on the inside

| Sheree
i ain’t smiling

i ain’t smiling and that makes me smile from the inside out.

there are tasks i want to {BE} and do and there are tasks i do not want to {BE} and do.

leaning into those take that bring me joy is what i {Be} and do today and the next day. and the next.

that’s all a bear can ask for. that’s all i want. and {Be} and do.

i ain’t smiling. but i’m wide arse, teeth shining, smiling for me – on the inside.

today’s ponderings while lying on the couch …

| Sheree

liminality

in-between spaces

lingering in the midst flight

fugitivity

nowhere at all

the potential of edges

black captives trapped at sea

zones of non-being

“Wherever blackness dwells—slave ship, spaceship, graveyard, garden, elsewhere, everywhere—those captives accessed what Spillers calls a “richness of possibility.” Hortense Spillers quoted in La Marr Jurelle Bruce, How To Go Mad Without Losing Your Mind: Madness and Black Radical Creativity.

bramble bunches of joy

| Sheree

This is what I love.

My camera is my eye. It helps me see what I see better.

My camera helps me to appreciate what I love. Nature.

My photography is an archive and a mediation. It slows me down.

Going out and taking pictures brings me joy.

I’m intrigued my Mother Nature’s expressions. And my camera helps me to take the time with her.

I do not create for an algorithm. I do not create for likes and approval.

I create for me. I create for joy.

Me sharing my creations is like a ‘show and tell’. Look this is what I love.

take me dancing, dancing in the rain

| Sheree
i ain’t smiling

retro disco. good tunes. way back to our youth. we’re dancing. enjoying the tuuuunnnnneeees.

i kick off my shoes. barefoot in the grass. the cold september grass.

i look around. blond woman staring. pointing at me. talking to her man. me and my bare feet. laughing. i know she’s not saying anything good about me.

i stare back. she sees i see her. she tries to cover her tracks. too late. bitch. i see you.

before. i’d smile. make it appear as all is well. while i bleed from another wound inside.

before. i’d smile. make her feel better. while i die another death inside.

tonight. i ain’t smiling. i give her cut eye. i stare her down. she looks away first.

i continue to dance barefoot. smiling inside.

where does your energy go?

| Sheree
i ain’t smiling

i’m protecting my peace so i have the energy for me, to {BE} in service for we, the we that looks/{BE} like me

this is all becoming clearer now

i’m not expending or wasting any more time, energy, attention on those (white) people who do not see me. or when they do see me, they do not see me as human

as Akwugo Emejulu says, the black woman can never be a human being

for decades i’ve spent time, energy, attention, through my practice and day to day life, trying to convince others ( white people) of my humanity. i would bend over backwards trying to get accepted, recognised, cherished as a fellow human being

look, please, i’m human. look, please, i feel, i hurt, i bleed. i breathe

no more. i am no longer prepared to play that role. dance this stupid dance. as i will never be accepted, recognised, loved as a human being. the system won’t allow it. (white) people won’t allow it

i’m no longer wasting my energy on proving jackshit

i’m refusing what has already been refused of me ( fugitivity)

i knowing who i be. i am smart, i am kind, i am important ( The Help). and i don’t need/want/entertain any (white) person to tell/grant/recognise me as such

and i’m no longer apologising/ playing it down or safe/ tempering for how i feel/act/ {BE} about this situation

as that just expends/takes/sucks out of me a whole heap and of other energy

i ain’t smiling.

Back with Kiwi

| Sheree
My morning spread

As the wind rocks us, and the rain soothes us, Kiwi and I enjoy a little excursion.

Hardly little when we drove from our home to Portsmouth and then to Lymington to catch the ferry to the Isle of Wight.

I came here once before with my mum when I was in middle school I think. Or maybe high school. We brought my friend Judith too.

We stayed in a B & B and went to the beach everyday. It was gorgeous. Now looking back, it seems weird going away on holiday with a school friend. But that’s what we’d do back then.

I say weird, but here I am away with my Uni friend Alex and his partner. So go figure.

It’s forecast wind for the weekend and showers. So let’s see how it goes. I’m not complaining because I’m mighty cosy inside Kiwi.

I’m slowing all the way down. Appreciating the time and space, dropping out of time and space for a little while. I’m taking to {BEING} this more and more these days. Figuring out that rest, slow and {BEING} on my own terms is all I ever want in this life.

And I’m not going to given this. I have to take it.