experience

Protecting my peace

| Sheree
i ain’t smiling

I’ve been in a battle with myself.

The lessons I try and pass on to my kids are not to allow anyone else to change you. You go about your business as yourself. Don’t change for nobody.

I’ve been in a battle with myself.

I know my nature. I smile a lot. I lean into the joy of life because I’ve always said life is too short after being touched by death so young ( I now think life is long but that’s another conversation).

I’ve been in a battle with myself.

I’ve noticed I’m walking out now and not smiling. To myself or others. My face is fixed in a neutral stare, going about my business. I don’t not need/ want to look, speak or touch anyone else.

I’ve been in a battle with myself.

Is it my nature to smile and make contact with other (white) people because that’s who I am? Or do I do it to make them feel comfortable and not to think I’m a threat to their safety? Do I smile because I’m happy? Or do I smile to keep others happy?

I’ve been in a battle with myself.

Through speaking with a ( black female) friend recently things have become clearer and more resolute.

i ain’t smiling.

Not smiling, gazing or connection with (white) people while out walking/ coffee drinking/ shopping/whatever, is me, protecting my peace.

the season of self-study

| Sheree

“Reading across our curiosities, the story and imagination are testimonies grounded in the material expression of black life”

Excerpt From
Dear Science and Other Stories
Katherine McKittrick

I’m a multi-passionate Creatrix ( I don’t use artist because it’s a term historically linked to imperialism and colonialism and we need to unlearn that shit!).

Reading feeds these passions. I can get myself lost up in a book or trip on many different subjects/ disciplines .

Today I was reading a crime novel, then a self-help book around self-sabotage, a healing and grief article, a Substack newsletter on erotic engineering, permaculture design, a Black feminist thought anthology, and instructions on a tube of Polyfilla!

I’ve always been curious. I got beats as a child for asking questions. For asking why?

For me fugitivity flourishes in and with having the time and space to lean into my multi-passions without anybody else telling me to stop, or move along or get back to ‘work’.

During my favourite season of the year, I’m leaning into my reading. I’m devising my own reading list of self-study around getting free.

I’m reading across disciplines and I’m reading into black studies and black livingness. I realised today, while, reading Katherine McKittrick, what I’m doing and have been doing is searching for and following the breadcrumbs that are shared through the writings and practices of black scholars, creatives and beings that have at their centre/ purpose/ inspiration black freedom.