I’m not sure how much I’ve shared here. I’m not sure if I wanted to speak it into existence out of fear of jinxing it. Maybe.
Last year, my last publisher Andy Croft got in contact with me asking for my poetry collection. Smokestack Books is planning to close its publishing doors and Andy wanted to go out having published my next collection.
We have a history as Andy published Laventille (2015) and stood by me throughout the whole ‘shit-hit-the-fan’ experience when my life and profession and writing were ruined ( or there was an attempt to ruin me as I’m still here to tell the tale).
So I said yes, maybe naively. As since then I’ve been on a rollercoaster of feelings as I attempted to bring the collection into existence.
At some point I will share some of the poems within the collection. Some of the poems started within this blog. But even though I just got asked last year to complete this collection, I feel, no I know, this collection has been nine years in the making. Ever since Sheree Mack was cancelled in May 2015, I’ve been making my way back to Sheree Mack, someone I didn’t even know existed until she was forced to start again from nothing to building a much stronger and truer foundation.
I’ve been reading. When I read, I feed my wonder and imagination. When I read, I fill up with ideas and dreams and plans.
Reading expands my mind and expands my understanding of the world I navigate.
I cannot stress or emphasise enough how much my world has been rocked or even burnt down since my reading and continued reading of Fugitive Feminism by Akwugo Emejulu.
This isn’t like anything I’ve read before because it goes against everything I’ve been trying to do for the last 50 years; to prove the humanity of Black people, of myself so we can finally be accepted and loved.
But what if we’ll never be accepted? Never be accepted as human beings because who gets to claim humanity is bound up with whiteness, bound up with white supremacy culture?
What if being a human is a construct and is defined by those with the power and was never constructed to allow us, people of the global majority to be as such?
So if I claim non-human what are the possibilities for my being?
This is where I’m heading. This is the space I’m navigating now. I’m making changes from the inside out. In a cellular level this speaks truth and blessings to me. How I {BE} is changing and it includes a whole more ‘fuck offs’. Well that’s how it’s shown up my so far!
This month is hurtling along and September is just around the corner. With my favourite season of the year – Autumn. But we’re still in Summwr for now. Still a few days left of August and I’m here after a luscious seaswim, with coffee and journal trying to make sense of the last few weeks.
Visual Journal Spread- Handmade Journal
I’m back from Ireland and I can’t believe I did it really. It was another world, another time. To just have to think about driving to my next park up each day and feasting my eyes on the landscapes and seascapes was a gift. I’m so glad I did it. And of course I have to go back as I didn’t cover all of the coast. I finished just inside County Kerry and just part ways around the Ring of Kerry. But in no way am I disappointed. To wake up every morning within different bay or coastline or treeline and get into water well I’m so grateful. I know my adventures with the wild Atlantic coast helped me fall back in love with my own coastline as it’s been hit and miss this year with the sea. And getting in her!
Visual Journal Spread- Handmade Journal
The images above are taken from the handmade journal I created to take on my travels. There’s still pages left so I’ll continue to use it. It’s a mixture of cartridge paper and brown wrapping paper. Both covered in acrylic papers and ink and images and quotes and stickers. A hodge podge of reflections and moments and a-ha moments. But the texture and the crinkle of papers is divine.
Visual Journal Spread- Handmade Journal
One spread is my habit tracker for the month of August. On reflection the habit that I have kept the most this month has been reading. After submitting my poetry manuscript at the beginning of the month ( thank goodness), I’ve had more time and headspace to pick up a book or listen to an audio book. Blog newsletter article. Anything really I could get my hands on I’ve been reading. I didn’t realise how much I’ve been missing out on long periods of reading for pleasure and joy. What was best was listening to audiobooks while driving. I was getting so involved with the plots and characters because of the strength of writing but also because of the voices of the readers. I was laughing and crying and whooping behind the wheel of Kiwi and loving it.
Visual Journal Spread- Handmade Journal
So with the month coming to an end and the nights drawing in, I intend to get cosy with more books and reading. I’m between projects, writing as well as coordinating them, and I’m just more than willing and ready to fill my pot with juicy words, images and ideas before I think of next steps.
Visual Journal Spread- Handmade Journal
I know I’ll be using my visual journal to collect any thoughts, feelings and ideas that percolate through so I don’t miss any nuggets but also to keep the conversation going with myself. I planned the Summer to be about rest and time away and just doing what I love. And it hasn’t disappointed. I’m grateful I put myself first and had the resources to be able to disappear from the public realm and work and other commitments to feed my soul.
Visual Journal Spread- Handmade Journal
Thank you as always for coming a long on the journey with me. X
I’ve been forgetting. Or I’ve been avoiding. I need to remember.
This is the life I’ve yearned for. This is the life I’ve worked for. This is the life I’ve sacrificed for.
Standing this close in the mix and mess of things, I forget. When I’m juggling projects and deadlines and the multiple personalities of others. I forget, this is what I’ve been dreaming about for years.
Freedom to be and do what I want. To follow my desires and needs and wants and still be able to provide for my family.
The freedom to rest and play when I choose and not at the whim of anyone else.
Remember. “You’re walking in the hope of your yesterday”. Thank you Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui for this reminder.
I remember and give thanks for this life I have chosen to lead and which I sometimes takes for granted and complain about or even get down about.
I remember what I have forgotten and give thanks for it all.
Rest is important to me after a lifetime of hustling and running on empty to be the most productive person alive. All to be loved . All to be accepted. All to be successful on somebody else’s terms.
Not anymore. Nine years ago my eyes were forced open to the system. This grind culture. White Supremacy Culture. This only getting your worth from what you do rather than who you be.
No I no longer buy into that crap.
Rest is paramount for me these days as I’ve realised I cannot fulfil all things I want to do in my pursuit of joy and purpose if I do not take my right amount of rest. If I do not stop and smell the roses and {BE}.
This summer I’m taking an extended rest and the Goddess has come visiting as a result.
The Goddess will be showing up this summer because she can. Because she’s ready. Because she has further things to teach me.
This is when I know I need to get into my body and get into a loving relationship with self. I need to silence the crap rolling around in my head about my self and this world we live in and start loving on myself.
Taking myself on a Photowalk outside as well as inside brings me joy.
The act of moving and recording it, making a record of it brings me right back into the present and helps me to realise what a blessing life really is.
A life not to be wasted away on useless, soul destroying negative self- talk and that crippling sense of failure.
Nah looking myself in the eyes and still being able to smile at myself for myself brings me joy.!
