My mind and body are hurting with the constant stream of information and images of this and that atrocity, and there is very little space to breathe, rest and take stock. I’ll be honest, I’ve been checking out. Checking out into Netflix boxsets, mindlessly watching episode after episode, numbing the pain and feelings of being inadequate , or not doing enough, being enough. Enough.
I don’t know about you, but it’s an overload at times of these times, which feel cruel and oppressive, evil and violent and unbelievable and yet we accept. There are no quick fix solutions but my heart and soul wants to feel that all will be well.
Society and culture ( the whole world) at the moment feels toxic and dangerous and I’m all for just slowing down and connecting in more deeper, honest and nourishing ways. I’m still leaning into my joys. Still bending towards the light as I don’t want to lose myself in this crippling spiral.
I’m slowing down alone and I’m slowing down in groups that I’m supporting and who are supporting me. I’m not by-passing the pain, the harsh realities, the genocides ( as there are multiple happening at the same time just now or have always been going on), but I’m also acknowledging how much I can endure and not beating myself up if I choose silence instead of performance. I know this is a privilege which I recognise, voice and keep checking.
Below I share the images from my Paris trip of Our Lady of Good Deliverance, often referred to as the Black Madonna of Paris. Over a 6 miles walk to see her, I covered more miles within my mind with my thoughts and feelings wondering and wandering, which were silenced or put to one side when I met this Black Madonna. I had the small chapel , in the suburb Neuilly-sur-Seine, all to myself when I visited. I walked around, I sat and looked and I lit a candle and remembered my ancestors and give thanks for this deliverance.
Deliverance: being rescued or being set free. How apt she comes back to me today. How I must have unconsciously known I needed her guidance today, needed her love and reassurances that liberty, salvation, change is possible. I’m not religious or spouting anything remotely religious or pious. I’m not preaching or looking to convert.
I’m spiritual and believe in love. I believe in the good in people and try to connect there on that common ground rather than separation and hatred.
What I do know is this isn’t a neat, tie-it-all-up-ending, with ‘this is what I want to say and you to take away’ as that would be another construct and false prophet.
I just know starting to look/ believe that ‘God is a Black Woman’, that the Black Madonnas are here to support and love us through difficult times ( as well as good times, our pleasures and joys) feels like a blessing to me that I will continue to lean into during these slowing down, turning away from exploitative and extractive society and culture times and continue to nurture others ways of {BEING} in this world.
Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end.
A week ago today, I took the journey back to Montserrat. I first visited this multi-peaked mountain range, home of a Benedictine monk monastery, back in 2007 maybe. Then, I was staying in El Bruc, a small village at the base of the mountains, at the artists retreat, Can Serrat, for a month. A bunch of us from the retreat decided one day to climb the mountain range to reach the top, the monastery. To see the Black Madonna we had heard of.
It was hard going. Taking hours, at times using my hands, feet, knees, elbows to reach the top, climbing sheer rock face and rambling through the forests of the National Park.
I was always behind, at the back of the group. Moving slowly, holding everyone up. They kept stopping to wait for me. I told them not to but they said they had to. That they couldn’t leave me alone on the woods. Not knowing where to go, which path to take.
I didn’t ask for their help. They it took upon themselves to be responsible for me. And they resented me for it. Once we reached the top, and entered the Basilica, they all climbed up further steps to go see and touch the Black Madonna. I didn’t go up. I saw her from afar. I denied myself the opportunity to be with her because I was tired. I was also ashamed for moving so slow. For not being as fit as the others in the group. I was upset because my body let me down but also that these strangers had made me feel like shit for being me. For being a fat Black body who wasn’t good enough. I allowed them to take away my joy and self-worth all because I was unfit and slowed them down. But I didn’t ask them to wait on me or look out for me. I wasn’t a child but they seemed to think it was okay to treat me as such. And I allowed them to.
Fast forward to last week, the end of January 2025 and I return to Montserrat. This time I get up early, to catch the special train to Montserrat from the centre of Barcelona. It’s an hour ride on a commuter train heading north out of Barcelona. The train is packed and I’ve overheating with my two coats on, thinking it would be cold in Barcelona in January. I was wrong. The temperatures were glorious. Winter sun has a way of easing the bones, warming the flesh and making everything fluid and relaxed.
The further we moved out of the city centre, the more the train emptied. Until we were moving within the shadow of mountains and trees. The train can let you off at two stops for Montserrat. The first stop is for the airlift up the mountain which takes 4 minutes. The second stop is to catch the slower train up the mountain. 15 minutes of a steep, slow winding climb. I took the second stop as I was in no rush.
Even on the return to Montserrat, I chose once again to make slow progress. Taking my time to reach the final destination. Yes my body is older this time. I’m probably even fatter but I knew I wasn’t going to allow anyone else to dictate my process or to take away my joy.
Once I reached the top of Montserrat, well not really the top, the main station/ base where the shops and cafes are, I popped into the information centre there in the hope of getting a funicular further up the mountain. It wasn’t working this day but I could walk up an easy path to the top if I wanted.
I enquired about purchasing a ticket to get into the Basilica and to visit the Black Madonna this time also. If I could wait till 1.15pm I could see her as well as listen to the choir sing at 1pm for a little extra cost. Of course I wanted to experience it all. So with ticket bought and time to kill, I took my body further up the mountain.
A steep mountain track hugging the rock face took me further and further into the more or less cloudless sky. And I was just breathing in the tranquility and gratitude to be able to make this journey and relive a piece of my past but on my own terms.
There were other people here but it didn’t bother me as I was in my own little bubble of joy, soaking up the sun, the smells of cypress trees and elders and then there were the bells.
Once back down, I grabbed a coffee and just sat outside and watched people go by. My excitement was building, as after years of waiting, I was finally going to see the Black Madonna of Montserrat up close.
The Black Madonna is sometimes referred to by other names, including ‘The Virgin of Montserrat’ and ‘La Moreneta’, sits behind a sheet of glass high above overlooking the alter. One hand holding a sphere is not behind the glass. Her hand sticks though the glass and is available to touch or kiss if you so wish.
Along a corridor and up some steps and then some more to finally come to the chamber where the Black Madonna sits. You proceed in a line past her. Each of us has an opportunity to stop in front of her. To touch her. To pray. I gave thanks to her. And immediately teared up to be with her. To be this close to her. To be able to touch her. I didn’t ask for anything as she is known for granted miracles. I was just happy and grateful to be in her presence.
I journeyed back down to take my seat within the Basilica to then heat the choir song. All the time I can see the Virgin high above the altar looking down on us.
The Choir @ Montserrat
The choir sang for about 15 minutes and gave the congregation a blessing. I’m not religious. I’m spiritual. But I could appreciate the feelings that arose to be within such a remarkable place and to hear such angelic voices rising within the space and vibrating back into my body. Again another emotional moment.
Once the choir retreated. I got myself back into the queue to visit the Black Madonna once again. I was all about getting my money’s worth! No not really, I wanted to say goodbye and just see her up close once again. And as I say, I’m not religious. And I’m not praying or idolising over false idols.
What I see in the Black Madonna is a Black woman. I see myself. I connect with her as she can relate to my suffering. To my body and soul. And I just want to give thanks to her for being there for me at all times. She takes my woes and my joys. She just reflects back to me that we, as Black women, are enough just as we are. No one else needs to bestow any value on us. We see ourselves and we love ourselves. Just the way we are.
After touching her one more time. I walked back into the sun and climbed a steep path up the other side of the mountain, not ready to leave this peaceful sanctuary. A tremendous amount of peace had descended on me during my time within Montserrat and I wanted to carry it with me as I left. Moving became effortless. My heart was light and full of gratitude.
This week was back to school week but things could have been worse. A cold weather front has hit the UK. Yes it’s cold up North but it could have been worse. At least we’ve had the light. And it’s remained dry even if each morning the windscreen has been frozen.
I’m grateful because I’ve had the privilege of spending quality time with Miss Ella and supporting her on her journey to her GCSE mock examinations. She’s capable, she just needs to believe in herself more. And that’s where I can come in, for sure.
Cullercoats Bay
I’m grateful because I managed to get into the sea twice this week. And there’s still time for more. The sea produced some big waves which were beautiful and dangerous. There was a lot of jumping waves and giggling like the little girl I didn’t get to be when growing up.
I’m grateful to be able to control where I direct my time and energy. At the moment that is all towards myself, first thing, and then I’m ready for what the rest of the day throws at me.
I’m grateful to nature ( until I find a better way of referring to her/ me/ us) as I take my cues and guidance from her and continue to hibernate and rest and dream. LUSH.
I was invited go participate in this year’s Timber Festival by All the Elements. “An incredible weekend festival of celebration, debate and reflection in the National Forest. Timber invites you to stand up and be counted as we rethink our relationship with trees and forests.”
Frankie and Soraya, directors All the Elements
I facilitated a visual journaling workshop which I think went down really well. There wasn’t enough space for everyone who wanted to take part so I had to turn people away. I kept it simple and laid out a step by step approach for creating the visual journal but of course once you know the steps you can do them in any kind of order. You can suit yourself with this practice.
When we’re out in the field, literally here, exploring visual journaling we use just sheets of A4 paper and cover them in paint. Once we’ve got enough we fold them into a book and start searching for images and text.
We kept in mind the thought about what seeds we were willing to plant this season. It was still summer, still time to map out the way we wanted to feel and be during this season.
Each participate went away with their own visual journal, resources and ribbon to tie it all together.
What was so good for me during this festival was the community. All the Elements created a warm and welcoming space and I got to meet people I had only met online before this. I made new contacts too.
I’m really grateful for the opportunity to be part of this festival.
I passed through this part of Scotland, Glencoe, the Highlands, last month on my West Highland Way trek.
In the shadow of mountains, the three/ five sisters and Etive, and it was my birthday, I made the promise to myself to return. To retreat here with pen and paper and see what materialises.
I’m here. And just being. Walking and filling my soul. And {BE}. I followed my instincts which was calling out for this space of nothingness.
For this soft place to land to tend my brokenness.
The Natural world – from the heavens to our gardens – has so much to give and to teach us
I just manage to get this note in under the wire as today still is in the month of April. But this month has been a busy one. If not being away dog and house sitting then one of birthday celebrations, as both my babies were born in April. I have also been trying to crack on with a commissioned essay, and managed to present something decent at the final event in connection to my exhibition at the BALTIC.
Coming out of my hibernation into a full on month has had its trials and tribulations. But I know what has kept me on the straight and narrow and mostly full of joy has been my connection with nature.
I missed the sea at the beginning of the month, because I was land locked. But this was an ideal time to appreciate the blossom. Cherry blossom, apple blossom, plum blossom, pear.
I’ve always loved on blossom. The blousy pink and white blooms, just fill me with joy and gratitude. I’ve been putting myself in the path of beauty as Cheryl Strayed would argue. Then once I returned back to the North-East it was time to reacclimatise with the sea after an almost three week break. And it was painful. But I needed to get back in, to get close with her, and remind myself that I am alive. And this life is a gift. The sea, along with nature as a whole, is my medicine. And I feel it deep when I am not taking my medicine, through choice, circumstances or self-neglect.
Nature is always there for me when I’m in need or guidance. And I’m grateful for this connection. Even while I worry that we are losing more and more species and ecosystems, I keep faith and hope that we can work together to recognise and reconnect with ourselves, each other and nature to bring about systematic change to benefit all species, and the generations to come. Even in the little ways we show up for nature all count in the grand scheme of things, I think. This is why I’m excited about
🌳 The Rise Up Rooted Global Wellness Symposium 🌳
Join me on May 15th and let the Natural world lead you back home to yourself!
🌳 The Rise Up Rooted Global Wellness Symposium 🌳
Reconnect with the Earth, Reawaken Your True Nature, and Rewild Your Busy Life!
I’m delighted to be a featured speaker at this free global event, created by my friend Alex Strauss to serve busy people all over the world. The 5-Day Rise Up Rooted Global Wellness Symposium, May 15 – 19, is your invitation to devote a few quiet minutes each day to your own well-being. I’ll be sharing more about my connection with nature and how she helped me fall in love with myself and others as part of a panel of 20+ featured speakers. From these authors, coaches, speakers, physicians, teachers, and healers, you’ll learn practical ways to…
Clear space in your life to connect with the healing and uplifting power of the Earth, even when life is crazy busy
Find hope and inspiration for uncertain times
Learn simple, Natural self-care practices you can use anywhere
Boost immunity, beat stress, and re-energize by growing and eating your own organic herbs and vegetables
Reignite your creative spirit
Bring the life-affirming power of “forest bathing” into your everyday life (even if you don’t have a forest near you)
Attune to the seasons and cycles of the Earth (and stop working against them!)
Recognize and apply “life lessons” from the Natural world
Become more intentional about the time you spend outdoors…and indoors
Embrace the power of mindfulness in Nature to quiet your busy brain
This isn’t like any nature-focused event you’ve seen before. During this five-day journey, you’ll learn not only WHY we all need more Nature now, but also HOW to integrate more Nature into your daily life, and exactly WHAT to do when you you do get outside.
Note: This event was created for busy people. None of these pre-recorded interviews are longer than 45 minutes, so it’s easy to watch or listen during the day, whenever it’s convenient for YOU!
I really hope you’ll decide to invest a few hours between May 15 and May 19 with me and the other speakers. I know you will come away renewed, recharged, reconnected, and ready to tackle whatever comes next!
PS – Don’t worry if your bare feet haven’t touched the Earth for months or you’re not a gardener. The Rise Up Rooted Global Wellness Symposium is NOT about any one way to connect with the Earth. Instead, it’s about simple, practical steps we can all take in our day-to-day lives to be healthier, happier, and more peaceful in body and mind. (Some of them can even happen while you sleep!) CLICK HERE to RSVP now.
Words: adapted from ‘Conjuring Hands: The Art of Curious Women of Color’, by gloria j. wilson, Joni Body Acuff and Venessa Lopez
we crave joy. unmediated, defined by self, not by others.
for me, joy is intertwined with the idea of ‘safety’.
for me safety means not only protection from White hands that hold sticks, stones, batons, and guns.
but also safety from White minds and from White eyes.
in the past, in attempts at safety, i have resorted to running, literally and figuratively.
i fold in on myself to avoid harmful interactions. to keep myself safe.
i’m no longer prepared to relegate myself to the corner of the room. i go to the waters seeking guidance from the ancestors, seeking safety, seeking joy.
Living Wild Studios 